


fabric softener

by Soulykins



Series: old dog, old tricks [6]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison paid for it all, Family Trip, Five had genuinely never really dressed himself before, Gen, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, He wore the Umbrella Academy stuff, surprisingly no one died or was even maimed, then from the clothing department at the agency, then whatever he could find in the apocalypse that worked, they all take Five shopping finally, who clearly had to make period accurate stuff for time agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 13:36:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18152543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulykins/pseuds/Soulykins
Summary: Five trips and scrapes his knees, which Allison declares as a sign that the schoolboy shorts have seriously got to go and that she's taking him shopping. Honestly, this shopping trip was a long time coming anyway and everyone is surprised Allison held out this long.Then Klaus wants to go, and Diego could use a new knife, and Vanya has been meaning to grab some more socks for weeks and - yeah, it turns into a family trip to the mall for clothes.Five is lost at all the choices available to him, Klaus tosses clothes like they're playing dodgeball, Vanya loyally mans the shopping cart, and somehow none of them get banned from the store.





	fabric softener

**Author's Note:**

> okay i knew i would have to write this bc seriously they would take this boy shopping but i Genuinely Dislike Clothes Shopping and have been putting it off oof
> 
> I don't know how to shop tbh, i just like petting the soft clothes and then sitting down and complaining until whoever i'm with is done?? i'm also a certified gremlin though who would wear pajamas all day every day if you let them so, you know, there is that
> 
> but yeah i may or may not have rushed through this as a result of me not caring about shopping oops  
> hopefully it comes across alright anyway since writing Klaus is always a fun time

It all came to a head when Five tripped. An inconsequential thing, they’d been walking back from a restaurant and Five was engaging Vanya is a passionate conversation about temporal anomalies and there was an uneven pavement. He’d lost his balance and toppled over, landing hard on his knees, the rest of the siblings surging forward as one to help him to his feet - him batting away their hands with a dark look.

But when he got up, his knees were skinned and blood was already welling up. 

Thankfully, they were only a block from the mansion and all picked up the pace despite Five’s growling about being perfectly fine.

Five was clearly about to jump as soon as they got in the door but Diego’s hand shot out to grab his arm before he had the chance to hurl him into the kitchen with a yelp. 

“On the table.” Diego told him in a tone brooking exactly zero argument.

Five hopped up on the table looking every inch the petulant child that his body was as Vanya brought over the bandaids and Klaus tossed their brother a wet cloth.

Even though Five was technically fifty-eight and a (former) assassin, he still winced and bit his lip when Diego scrubbed the cloth over bloody knees perhaps more gruffly than was strictly necessary. “You have to be more careful,” Diego told Five, putting the bloody cloth aside to grab the bandaids.

“I tripped over the sidewalk, Diego,” Five hissed back, “Am I supposed to stop walking on the pavement now? Levitate through the air? Astral project instead of leaving the house?”

Diego slapped the bandaid on Five’s knee making him yell in alarm before grabbing his smaller brother in a headlock to scrub a hand against his head and make him holler in rage. 

“Okay that’s enough,” Allison told the room at large, making the roughhousing two freeze on the table. Allison waved a hand, “No no, not your idiocy. I think if any of you actually acted like mature adults the apocalypse might happen after all. I’m talking about Five’s _clothes_.”

As one, the whole family’s gaze swung back to Five, taking in his Umbrella Academy uniform with the blazer and sweater and the shorts. The same thing Five had been wearing since he shown up. Actually, now that they thought about it, the only thing they’d ever seen Five wear outside of the oversized grey suit he’d popped up in. 

They’d been assigned uniforms for as far back as they could remember. Honestly there were probably pictures of them as literal infants with the Umbrella Academy crest on every onesie. Reginald had provided all their clothes right up until the moment they left. 

“I’m saying that Five needs actual clothes. With pants.” Allison pointed out, gesturing with a hand, “I will literally pay for it just please can we get rid of the uniforms.”

Klaus immediately raised a hand into the air like a kindergartener on their first day of school, “Ooh ooh! I want to go! I want new clothes, too!”

“This is not turning into a family trip.” Five told the room at large, shoving Diego away from him and glowering at everyone, “Allison can come with me and only because she’s paying for it. No one else.”

 

They all pulled up to the mall in the fucking minivan that Luther had bought, Five scowling darkly from the back seat he’d been forced into after a heated debate over whether he was tall enough to sit shotgun. 

Klaus was like ninety percent sure that thirteen was actually the age kids were totally allowed to sit shotgun or whatever, but under no circumstances was he actually going to share this knowledge because honestly his family was better than a soap opera.

The whole family was pretty sure this would end badly, but you know, whatever. 

Klaus staggered out of the car, sweeping Five into a quick hug that made him bristle like an angry kitten, before holding his arms out wide as if he was that gladiator asking the crowd if they were not entertained. “The mall!” He announced, as if anyone was unaware of their location, “Where I’m pretty fucking sure they won’t have anything in Luther’s size, but I’ll be damned if that stops us from trying!”

“Oh sweet Jesus.” And Diego was already shaking his head and looking like he regretted being born. Success!

“We’re here for Five,” Allison informed them, putting a hand on Five’s shoulder - who genuinely was looking at the sky as if someone would mercifully strike him down if he just prayed hard enough. Klaus was impressed, usually it took at least fifteen minutes of family exposure for that expression and they were only pushing eight minutes at the moment. 

Klaus clapped his hands together as Luther awkwardly opened the door for their procession, “Alright! Let’s get this show on the road, baby!”

“We’re going to the chi - ” Allison started only to be elbowed by a panicked looking Vanya, “The _junior’s_ section first for Five. Then the rest of you animals can get what you want. _Within reason,_ I’m looking at you, Klaus.”

Klaus tore his eyes away from the sparkly party dress section that they clearly but right by the entrance to taunt him in order to school his face into the picture of innocence. Judging from Allison’s unimpressed look, it didn’t work nearly as well as he wanted it to. 

“Where do you want to start, Five?” Allison asked their smallest brother kindly. Klaus didn’t know why she bothered, Five was chronically allergic to kindness and already making a face.

But he at least scanned the store with a thoughtful look, “Synthetic is best. Sheds dirt alright and dries pretty quickly, plus they fold up small for transport.” He strode forward with purpose into the junior’s section without even making another face at the sign in order to peer at the selection critically.

“Plus, you know, hoodie. Leggings. Socks, god socks. Do you think they’ll have compression socks here?” Fuck, Five’s face almost looked wistful as he said the word compression. Yeah, okay, Klaus needs to intervene here. 

He’d thought Five would gravitate towards the shit that made children look like they were being groomed into junior business partners or posing for one of those family portraits where everyone looked like they desperately wanted to be anywhere else. But instead Five was looking at an eyesore of a jacket that was boasting some omni-shit heat lining.

“Or we could look for things that actually look comfortable!” Klaus interjected, putting both hands on his smallest brother’s shoulders to steer him towards the comfy looking shit. “Because we don’t like in an apocalypse and have to consider hiking clothes since we are not a hiking family!”

Five shook him off with a scowl, but then looked towards the hoodies with something like confusion. 

“Did you get to pick out your own clothes when you were an assassin or something?” Klaus mourned his brother’s confusion loudly. Yes, he was making somewhat of a joke out of it because that’s what he _did,_ but he genuinely was saddened by the thought that Five had never been clothes shopping.

Five shrugged, “The Commission had a whole clothes department to outfit agents with period appropriate clothing. We got whatever we were supposed to wear with the mission, I dunno.”

Okay that was exactly what he was expecting but it was still depressing.

“Okay, okay yeah.” Klaus nodded, looking over his shoulder in a clear ‘help me’ look, but apparently his siblings were all traitorous bastards. He could literally see Luther looking at the ceiling like a highschooler whose teacher just asked a question about the reading they didn’t do. Diego was a bit away holding up a shirt and laughing at something Allison was giving him a very disapproving look over. Thank fuck for Vanya, who shot Klaus an awkward smile.

“We need uh, shirts and pants and maybe some jackets? A coat?” Vanya said softly, like someone who actually paid attention to the briefing Allison had given in the car. 

“Pants first.” Klaus decided for them all, “Because those shorts are ri-donk-ulous. Sorry, Five.”

Five just offered a shrug. He was well aware that the little schoolboy look wasn’t exactly one he wanted to continue, even as he rolled his eyes at Klaus’s vocabulary..

“Jeans. Teenagers wear jeans and they go with everything. It’s not like we’re going to fancy balls of anything, we can afford to be casual.” Klaus put his hands back on Five’s shoulders to steer him into the pants section, with their babiest brother surprisingly not fighting him on it.

He parked their team of three (Ben had ditched for the car ride and had yet to come back, Klaus wasn’t too worried about it yet though) in front of the jeans and gestured like he was the proud principal of a very white highschool showing off the sports trophy cabinet to a middle class couple looking to enroll their son. “Alright kiddo, just pick out anything you’d like! You can try ‘em on in the fitting rooms and see if they fit.”

Five frowned at the jeans, not even looking up at his brother looking like an insane person even though Vanya at least gave him a token sigh. “Does it really matter? As long as it fits.”

And wow, Klaus suddenly realized exactly why his brother hadn’t already thrown a tantrum about getting new clothes before this fated moment. He genuinely had never picked out clothes for himself before, having worn: a) what dear old Dad had decided to outfit them with, b) whatever he could scrounge up from the rubble in the apocalypse, and c) whatever he’d been assigned by the agency. Possibly the most depressing thing Klaus had heard today, but he could probably work with it, right?

Klaus picked up some jeans that looked like they could be the right size and tossed them at his brother carelessly, “Well jeans pretty much all look the same really so they don’t matter. Plus they go with like, every top in existence that a teenager should be wearing. Maybe not as pajamas though. Don’t wear jeans as pajamas.”

Five, his arms now full of denim fabric, looked up to glare some sense into his taller brother. Ha! Hadn’t worked before and wasn’t going to work now.

“Alright there’s like, a bajillion options for shirts. You could get some t-shirts, maybe for more casual days? Don’t have to have anything on them. Oh look! Stripey ones! Or a button down, there are those to inflict on children for some reason. Oh! Flannel. I don’t know if you could pull off flannel but I actually think this would fit Vanya?”

It pretty much went like that for the rest of the shopping trip, with Klaus babbling away and tossing clothes at Five to try on while Vanya dutifully fetched a trolley to put the ‘yes’ pile in. Which was most of them, actually. Even the joke shirts Klaus tossed over to get a reaction just got a shrug and an uncaring look.

One by one the rest of the family filtered by to make suggestions or hold up something they’d found for Five’s approval with smiles and laughter. Though maybe it was better that they split up for the shopping trip and only checked in occasionally, Klaus would have put cash money down on the fact that they’d be kicked out by now but apparently not?

There was a few very rare occasions where Five actually showed a vague interest in something, and Klaus always tossed whatever it was in the cart as soon as Five finished up with it on principle. There was a pattern, though. Very soft hoodies and smooth sweaters and the stretchy soft shirts that would be perfect for doubling as pjs. 

Only the very softest of fabrics for Klaus’s baby brother! And if he tossed some of those extra thick plush socks in the cart and some baby soft flannel pants in there, then it was totally fine. Allison was paying for it after all, with her movie star monet.

He actually did lose Five briefly when he was inspecting a crop top sweater that was just calling to him (he only lost sight of the mission for like, five minutes, which honestly was a record without Ben keeping him on task).

When he caught back up, Five was running a hand over the fleece-y pajama pants in another section. Which, when Klaus automatically stuck his own hand out to feel, were _really really soft_. Like, criminally soft. The kind of pants you put on for cold night in front of a fireplace watching christmas movies or some shit.

“You’re in the women’s section,” Diego hollered to them unhelpfully from where he was holding about four dresses, presumably for Allison who was inspecting another. Klaus wondered how D had gotten into that situation, but decided that sympathy was for brothers who weren’t boneheads.

But actually, Five stuck up for himself. “Clothes don’t have a gender, dipshit.” Five called back to Diego casually, “Fabric is fabric. Warmth is warmth. Gender is meaningless and existence is a prison.”

“Hell yeah, little bro.” Klaus enthused, holding up his hand for a highfive and not even being disappointed when he didn’t receive one, “Stick it to the man!”

“I’m not little.” Five rolled his eyes, but didn’t look murderous. Win.

“Say that to your measurements, old timer.”

Five turned on his heel and just walked away at that. Klaus shrugged and turned to grab as many smalls in the different patterns as he could find to add to the cart. Weren’t teenagers supposed to spent all day in their pajamas if they weren’t going out?

Overall there was surprisingly little blood shed, though there were some close calls - 

(“Five, I love you, but that outfit looks like your colorblind grandmother whose house smells entirely of old people and those little candies decided to dress you for the themed bingo party she was attending with the theme as ‘literal eyesore.’ Wha - no! Vanya! Vanya, Five is trying to stab me again!”)

\- Allison had only sighed deeply at the total as Klaus waved the the cashier that was looking at Diego’s knives with a not-undue amount of concern. Klaus had gleefully found an item of clothing in the store that fit Luther (which Diego now owed him twenty bucks about, and no the fact that it was a hat was _not_ cheating), and considering the fact that Five was wearing a pair of the jeans and a simple long sleeve shirt out of the store made a fucking world of different in Klaus’s opinion. 

It was literally dark outside as they were leaving. Klaus was about sixty percent sure that shopping places existed outside of the realm of linear time, but he wasn’t about to start that argument with Five again. Somehow (dimensional altering?) they managed to fit all the shit they bought into the minivan and shuffled inside to finally go home.

Even though they went out to lunch, Klaus wondered if Mom would have dinner ready for the when they came home. His tummy had a serious case of the rumblies.

The ride home was actually quiet. Everyone was just about shopped out. Vanya and Allison were talking quietly to one another in the backseat, Diego was concentrating on the road instead of threatening to decapitate them into some peace and quiet, Luther was staring into the middle distance, and Five was - 

Oh. Aww. Adorable. Five was clearly trying not to fall asleep. The bobbing head, dipping down and jerking back up with slow blinks. Klaus wanted to assure the brat that it was okay, he’d wake Five up when they got to the mansion even though it was only like ten minutes away. But he was pretty sure Five would stay awake just to spite him. 

All in all, both a surprisingly successful shopping trip AND a highly successful family outing all rolled into one. Klaus was genuinely shocked they had it in them. Usually they put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’ on their little trips.

No one lost a limb. Klaus had not one, but three new crop tops as well as some new makeup. Five got some clothes that made him look like a vaguely functioning person PLUS some fancy clothes for when Vanya had a concert. 

They weren’t all that common, but today had been a really good day.

Hopefully one day Five would grow something vaguely approaching taste, though. And if there was a really good day, maybe Five would actually pick out something for himself that he genuinely liked - would discover what he did and didn’t like. 

Klaus’s baby brother had spent so long scrounging up whatever was available that he’d never had an opportunity to grow into his own little person. And Klaus was _so proud_ of the steps that he’d already taken in the recovery process. Hell, in the steps they’d ALL taken. Half of them were in therapy now! And it was probably only a matter of time before the rest of them were in it! Look at them, trying to be healthy and functioning individuals. 

But for now they just had to take it one day at a time.

Today just happened to be one of the good ones.

**Author's Note:**

> also just in general skinning your knees feels like such a childish injury?? i skinned my knees falling on some ice like last month and my brain just would not let it go - 'what are we, eight?' my brain yelled for ages bc I kept prodding the scab and subsequent bigass bruise that also formed
> 
> you can 100% get scraped knees and things through pants though, this is one thing that isn't entirely the fault of shorts
> 
> but like, when you do as much running and diving and shit as Five does, you would DEFINITELY want pants to slide you across the floor of a department store as you're being shot at. sliding on floors with bare skin in general is a Terrible Idea Always and WILL have you end up fucking your skin up with some kind of carpet burn or scrapes


End file.
